Segui il tuo cuore
by Hanging.by.a.moment
Summary: It only takes a moment of realisation for your world to change. Yet what should you follow, your heart or your head? Nikki/Jack
1. Chapter 1

**So this is the first fanfiction I've written in over 10 years. Be gentle with me, I'm rather rusty. There is more to come, but this is just a starter.**

* * *

It was dark outside when Nikki finally arrived home. Home, not a place she spent much time in, especially lately, but right now exactly the place she wanted to be. Bath, glass of wine and bed. That was the mantra she'd been repeating to herself to get her through the day.

Locking the door behind her and kicking off her shoes, her focussed work-mode brain began to lose out to the unbidden thoughts she'd spent the latter part of the afternoon trying to avoid. Today had been difficult in more ways than one. Rubbing her tired eyes, she made her way into the kitchen to pour herself her first glass of wine of the night.

It was only when she sunk into the soothing hot water, and her senses filled with the scent of lavender and sweet jasmine from her favourite bath oils, that she finally allowed her thoughts to roam free. It was like removing a blockage from a damn. She'd held it together so well all afternoon, but now it needed to be addressed.

Her thoughts floated back to this afternoons events, the actions of Jack Hodgson that were causing her brain to ache with confusion right now."Why?" was the main question that echoed round her head, as she sunk deeper into the water, willing it to soothe her tense muscles. "Why do that?" "Why now?. She tries to ignore the other voice that keeps emerging too, one which she tries in vain to push away "You liked the way it felt".

Her racing thoughts are suddenly interrupted by a ringing coming from her dressing gown pocket, hung on the door. Frustrated at being interrupted she quickly rises from the water, reaching across to fumble for her phone. Matt the name reads. Shit thinks Nikki. Their weekend. He'll be flying over to London tomorrow. She feels guilty that he has barely entered into her thoughts all day. Quickly wiping her hands on the towel on the side, she answers the call. She hits the speakerphone button, leaves her phone on the side and slides back down into the welcoming hot water.

" _Hey you_ " Matt's voice filled the room.

" _Hey yourself_ " Nikki replied perhaps a little over enthusiastically.

" _Everything ok with you? I texted you a few times this afternoon, but I didn't hear back. Busy day I'm guessing_ " said Matt, sounding good humoured but a little concerned.

He was right, thought Nikki. it hadn't exactly been intentional. Usually she replied as soon as she could. They both had busy schedules, but that didn't normally stop the flow of conversation between them. Today however he'd been the last thing or rather person on her mind. " _Sorry, just a stressful day with a difficult case, just taking a bath to unwind._ " Nikki replied. " _Looking forwards to our weekend together though_ " she said as brightly as possible. Then sliding further down into the bubbles, she reaches across for the large glass of wine that sits on the side of the bath and takes a large sip. 

* * *

The phone call from Matt has done nothing to ease her mind. If anything she feels worse. The guilt makes her stomach tighten. She tried her upmost to hide her emotions and to remain present in the conversation, but now on reflection she wonders if he sensed something was awry. He was excitedly trying to plan with her all the things they were going to do together. He's mainly here as he has a conference on Monday, and then he flies back that evening, so she knows that their time together is short. Less than 24 hours ago she was feeling excited about it all, making plans in her head. Now though she'd far rather spend the weekend alone, time to process todays events, to get her head straight.

Sitting on her bed, pyjamas on, Nikki runs a comb through her wet blonde hair. Looking at herself in the mirror she admonishes herself loudly " _Get a grip Nikki Alexander, don't throw away one of the best thing that's happened to you_ ". Putting her comb down on her dressing table she exchanges it for her glass of wine. Newly refilled after her bath, she sips it, pausing to savour the crisp taste. Just as she's about to raise the glass for a second sip her phone rings again. Hesitantly she moves across to her bed where it lies ringing on her white bed spread, and picks it up with her free hand. Instinctually she knows before she even reads the name who the caller is. It's him. It's Jack.

No she thinks to herself, no not now. Go away. Sitting down on the edge of the bed she turns her phone screen side down on her bed cover. The ringing ceases. Silence returns. It's deafening almost. All she can hear is the sound of her heart beating had in her chest. Suddenly there is a second buzz from her phone. Nikki doesn't need to turn her phone back over to know what the notification was. A voicemail.

This fills her with both fear and intrigue. What will he say? Apologise? Explain his actions? Her hands move to involuntarily touch her lips in response. They tingle as she remembers those actions very well. No she thinks, shaking her head. No, leave it Nikki. Standing up from her bed and picking up her wine, she pads across the room to the doorway. Taking one last look at her phone lying on the bed, she turns out the light. 


	2. Chapter 2

It's nearly midnight, and the bottle of wine she opened earlier this evening is now distinctly empty. Perhaps not a good choice for a Thursday evening Nikki thinks to herself as she finishes that last of the dregs from her glass. Empty glass in hand, she rises, making her way slowly into the kitchen. Placing her glass on the counter top with the remainder of her half eaten dinner, she catches site of her reflection in the window. A mixture of tiredness and ever so slightly drunk….what a great look, muses Nikki shaking her head.

A glass of water before bed, she knows is essential to lessening the effects of her almost certain hangover in the morning. Reaching for a clean glass from the cupboard to her right, she fills the glass and drinks it down in one. Exiting the kitchen and shutting out the light, she trudges back up the stairs to her bedroom. She hesitates once more at the periphery. Her phone is still lying there on her bed as she left it. She's weakened by alcohol now, and the pull to pick up the phone and listen to the voicemail is strong, almost as strong as the feeling that she just wants it all to go away. No she won't do it, not now. Now she needs sleep.

* * *

She sleeps fitfully for the first 4 hours, lulled into a wine fuelled, dreamless sleep. Then all of a sudden she is wide awake. It takes a few moments for reality to hit again. Inwardly she groans, pulling the duvet up over her head. Her phone, switched on to vibrate for the night (just incase work calls) makes a sound. Reaching across her bed for it she steels herself. It's not Jack, its Matt.

"Hey sweetheart, just checking in to say I'm off to bed now. Long day. This time tomorrow I'll be there with you, I can't wait. Love you. Sweet dreams my Nikki"

Her first reaction is to smile, god he's so sweet. However, her initial reaction is soon replaced by a deep sense of guilt. Replacing her phone on the side Nikki lies back in bed and tries to sleep again, but the relentless thoughts circling round her head think otherwise. Sighing she kicks the covers off, grabs her phone, puts on her dressing gown and sets off downstairs.

Whilst standing waiting for the kettle to boil Nikki absentmindedly turns her phone round in her hand, round and round it goes just like the thoughts in her head. As if on autopilot Nikki goes to make her tea. Her mind still running through the day's events. Tea finally made she moves to the sofa. Taking a small sip of the hot liquid, Nikki inwardly relaxes slightly. Picking up her phone again, she goes to flick through the recent photos on her phone. First she looks at the recent ones of herself and Matt. New York, The Empire State Building - they look so happy, her hair looks wild from the wind. She didn't mind though not at the time. London in Hyde Park - a picnic together on the grass. Such a beautiful day. It looks like a picture perfect moment. The sun had been shining, the grass a luscious green. They'd had champagne and strawberries and cream. She smiles at the memory, and thinks at how sometimes the past few months have felt like a dream. Not entirely real to her.

Next she comes to the photos of a recent Lyell staff night out. They'd been to a new restaurant in town. Thai if she remembers correctly. She pauses at a photo of her and Jack. She doesn't remember this one being taken. In fact when she continues scrolling she realises it's a photo burst. A collection of photos, spanning over a few moments. Hazily she recalls Clarissa using her phone to take some other photos during the night, evidently she also decided to sneak these photos in. Nikki peers more closely now. They both sat together, drinks and finished plates littering the table. They look so carefree and happy. In the first few photos Jack has just made some joke and she's laughing. She thinks back, she can't quite remember what the joke was about. That probably had something to do with the copious amount of wine they'd all drunk that night. She remembers laughing a lot that night. Especially at the end of the night when Jack rode with her on the taxi home, and fell out of the taxi cab in an attempt at chivalry. As she scrolls to the next few photos she notices something new about the photos, Thomas must have asked her a question, because now she has turned away from Jack slightly. Her attention focused on whatever it was that Thomas was telling her. Jack however, has still got his attention focused solely on her. He's looking at her with such an intense look of admiration it's undeniable. Shocked Nikki clicks off the photos.

Afterwards she sits sipping her tea in stunned silence. How had she not realised this before. They flirted yes, but it was always just light-hearted banter. She has grown deeply fond of him over the years. In some ways he's almost been like a brother to her. Yet somewhere along the line things changed. Maybe Mexico, maybe before. After the events of Mexico there was even a point where she had let herself consider the possibility that she had feelings for him. Yet he had been so cold with her at first on their return, and then by the time they re-connected he had met someone new, and she'd met Matt.

It takes another 20 minutes until she decides finally the voicemail needs to be checked. She puts her mug down on the coffee table. Breathing as deeply as she can she dials her voicemail carrier and presses the corresponding keys to release Jack's voice from the phone.

"Nikki I...I don't know what to say. I...I just...look will you just call be back please. I don't know what to do, apologise, tell you it came from nowhere, but then that would be a lie wouldn't it. Plus you didn't exactly push me away did you. Oh I don't know. Look just call me back Nikki, please. I care about you so damn much."

He sounds devastated, so much emotion in his voice. She replays it once, twice, three times. He's right. She didn't push him away. Why didn't she push him away? She puts herself back into the scene once again, and tries to understand it...


	3. Chapter 3

**So what did happen that Thursday afternoon thats messed with Nikki's head so much? Lets flashback:**

* * *

Thursday afternoon:

It had been the end of a difficult case for both Nikki and Jack. Jack had taken it hard, especially when the killer had struck once again just before being caught. If only they'd had the results back a few hours earlier. Maybe their evidence could have saved another young woman's life.

She'd found him in the locker room, sat down with his head in his hands. He'd evidently just showered, hair still damp. Gently moving to sit next to him on the bench Nikki reached across to place a comforting hand on his shoulder.

" _I just… if only we'd been just that little bit quicker she would have been bloody saved_ " Jack said not meeting her eyes.

" _I know_ " was all Nikki could reply with. What more could she say. It had been hard for them all, but difficult cases occurred all the time. She wasn't quite sure if it was just the case affecting him right now, he'd been a little off over the past few weeks. There was something there, some sort of tension that she just couldn't put her finger on. The past week had been markedly worse. He'd seemed more downcast, distant maybe. She'd tried inviting him round for pizza night like they used to, but the past few weeks he'd had excuses both times. She figured maybe he'd met someone. A thought which almost triggered some sort of jealous feeling deep in the pit of her stomach. She put that down to the closeness of their friendship. Why shouldn't she take an interest in who he is or isn't dating right?

They sit together in companionable silence for the next few minutes, Nikki absentmindedly rubbing Jack's shoulder, putting her thoughts together. Not normally one to hesitate she was unsure of how best to address the situation. She knew probing too far might cause Jack to clam up. Yet another part of her thought that there was the slim possibility that he might be waiting for the opportunity to be asked.

Fuck it thought Nikki before asking. " _Jack, is everything ok? I mean I know the case has got to you, god knows I'm one of the worst for letting a case take hold of me. Yet it's not just the case is it_?"

Nikki feels him shift under her touch, raising his head to look at her. She watches him. Examining his face for any traces of what he was withholding. Her brown eyes on his green blue. There's almost an electricity in the air with that stare. Time seems to slow, the air pregnant with unsaid words. Then suddenly the moment is gone. Looking away at the floor Jack finally replies. " _I'm fine Nikki, honestly, nothing a round at the gym won't cure_ ". Then almost as if to lighten the mood he turns back to look at her, with a slight grin, that Jack Hodgson trademark sideways smile that she secretly loves. Yet it feels forced somehow.

" _Ok_ " replies Nikki with a sigh, removing her hand from his shoulder, letting it rest on the bench next to his. " _But you'd tell me wouldn't you, if there was something wrong, something going on that you needed help with right? Only you've been pretty distant lately, almost as if you've been avoiding me. Maybe I'm just being paranoid_ " Nikki looks at him, moving one hand back to rub the back of her neck.

There is a moment of silence between them, whilst Jack forms his reply. Jack starts " _Nikki... I..._ " He falters then, and shifts on the bench. Nikki sees him move his hand away from its position next to hers on the bench. " _I mean yeah of course I would, I'm sorry, distance was not my intention. I just..."_ he trails off. She continues to watch him, a questioning look on her face. " _What is it Jack? Tell me?"_ she says, not understanding what on earth it could be that he can't tell her.

His hands which are now in his lap clench into fists. Acting on instinct Nikki lowers her hand to place it over his left fist. He responds by relaxing his grip, unclenching his fingers and allowing her to gently put her hand in his. It's not an unusual gesture this, they've held hands before. Yet suddenly the gesture feels almost intimate. Nikki slowly goes to withdraw her hand, but before she can Jack takes it in his, interlinking his fingers with hers.

The electricity in the air that had dissipated only moments before now returns, stronger than ever. Nikki isn't sure why but knows that she's got goosebumps running down her arms, yet her hand, which remains in Jack's is on fire. Her heart rate has increased and time has slowed again. Jack looks deeply into her eyes. For a moment there is a silent exchange, souls communicating on a whole other level. With his free hand Jack reaches up to lightly push back a stray blonde curl that's fallen across Nikki's face. He doesn't remove his hand, and Nikki can feel the heat on the side of her face. She sees his eyes move down from holding her gaze to her lips.

She starts to say " _Jack_ " but before she can get the words out his mouth is on hers. It's not a light gentle kiss, it's a kiss full of passion and intensity. The electricity reaches breaking point and she reaches her hand around to the back of his head to deepen the kiss. Her head swims, and all it can think is " _Jack, Jack, Jack_ ". She's lost, being pulled out by the tide, and it feels amazing. Every sensation in her is heightened. Then suddenly Jack pulls away. She feels the cold seep into her bones, replacing the heat that was there moments before. She feels the longing deep within her core. Then like awakening from a dream reality hits.

" _Nikki I'm sorry, I shouldn't have..._ ". Jack stands, grabs his coat and his bag, and before she can comprehend what's just happened, never mind find her voice he's gone. She stays sitting on the bench for a good 15 minutes, she's confused. Confused about why, confused about what it meant, but also confused about how good it felt. Suddenly she is snapped out of her reverie by the steady tones of Clarissa's wheelchair. Work. Work, home, bath, wine and bed. Her mantra begins.


End file.
